In a nutshell...I have been on and off a diet since the age of eight. In hindsight I ruined my teens with obsessing about my weight. I was a great weight!!!! To be that again.....ahhhh. But I digress. Since before 15 and after my 21st I have always battled with around 5-10kg. Not bad you say??? Except that the self loathing and hate that go with it.
After my first child I lost the 15 old kg but then they satrted to pile back on. I put on 27kg with my second child and although looking back I lost a fair bit over the next few years I topped the scale at 98kg. I stayed here for around 4 years. Then I joined up for an 8 week challenge which my sister had previously done and lost 16kg in 8 weeks. It was really hard though and I exercised ALL the time, ate no carbs or alcohol and basically starved at some points.
After Christmas I went back and lost a further 7kg...bringing my total loss (lost some before the challenge) to 29kg. Well I put on 8kg right away just by breathing food as I had been denied for so long. I hovered around here for a year or 2 finally getting back up to around 88 then down to 78 by last Christmas....then disaster struck in the form of 2009.
My mother was ill and I had suffered a foot injury (from excercise). Unfortunately this year I have watched my life slip away. No more exercise...drinking excessively, suicidal more than once. I have been in a boot and on crutches for 3 months and my weight has skyrocketed to 105kg. A gain of 27kg this year!!!
Depression and self pity have been my life this year along with constant pain which has been making me miserable and a cow to life with!!!! We (DH and I) had talked about all kinds of solutions....but I have decided to take the drastic measure of gastric banding....not so drastic as I find others who have undergone this procedure at a similar weight to me. DH was all for it as he says I am miserable when I am not at a good weight or dieting to get there. If fact this year I also hit another low point when my mind refused to diet anymore....enough it said!!! My counselor says this is me rebeling against always being told I am unacceptable by my own self talk
By the way....I don't muck around when I decide to do something. I researched Doctors and clinics and decided on Dr Taylor at the O Clinic because I like the idea of a whole team approach...surgeon, Dr's, pyshologist and dietician. I rang to make the appt and also asked them to reserve a surgery day before Christmas as I am having 5 weeks off work for my foot and if I am going to do this...then let's get it done. In fact my surgery is just 10 days after my first appt with him.
I met with Dr taylor and didn't love him at first....but loved the dietician. I attended an info night on Monday just gone (yes I have done it backwards) and feel really pleased now with my decision. I met a man who had lost 80kg in a year just by doing what he was told. I was nervous after the first consult but am now ecited for my surgery on the 14th december just four days away.
Day 10 of Optifast (last night) saw me starving and having a little cheat...an extra bar, cheese stick and some chicken crimpy biscuits but I finally was not starving. I have lost around 4kg and today am please to say that my work pants fit me....thank god....walking around with the top bottom undone is an awful feeling. Hopefuly I won't sweat to much today.
Things I am looking forward to:
- Not feeling so hot
- Not sweating so much
- Getting this monkey off my back after 32 years
- Getting back into my clothes again
- Eating normal food (just smaller amounts)
- Going out and enjoying life again (I have become a hermit this year)
- Getting off the crutches
I know this is not a quick fix but I am hoping to at least be able to say after all this, that I eat to live not live to eat!!!!
I have so much more to share.....but willleave it there for now
GB
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