I am inspired by
Band Babe's most recent post (and a few glasses of wine!!!!) to share some of my therapy experiences and break throughs....by the way Band Babe if Drazil can bear her soul to the world can we at least get your name??? Or an inital??? We have seen your China..... LOL.....
Anyways...back to my post....I have done lots and lots of therapy to do with my weight loss issues or should I say more accurately my lack of weight loss and self hate issues. Do not get me wrong...I had an excellent childhood in terms of many others...I was loved, well fed (obviously), my parents always were there for me and I never really wanted for much...typical I would say middle class and my parents are still married but I do have a few childhood traumas. You may find it interesting to see what affected me the most:
- Being sexually abused at about 6-8 yrs old
- Being put on a diet at 8 yrs old
- Moving interstate at the age of about 12 (2 terms into high school)
Well what do you think was the most traumatic in later years..........??????
It was no 2 followed by 3....does that mean no. 1 hasn't affected my life???? Of course not but for 20 odd years I thought it was a dream so I can not blame my weight issues on that alone. Is it telling that it happened around the time of being put on a diet???? YES..... Is it telling that it happened when my aunt and uncle had to live with us....YES (My mum is 15 yrs older than her twin siblings and they came to live with us when my grandma was hospitalised with MS). If I was ok with it all why would of I had a packed bag by the window in case of emergency such as fire or kidnapping.....
I often read the horror stories of some people's youth and my heart bleed's....I have suffered nothing compared to some of you...so feel no pity. My abuse was not penetration....a neighbour had me over and I vividly remember being in his front room and having to expose myself and a few other thigns but to me this always felt like a dream. It was only in therapy a few years back that I had the courage to bring up my so called 'dreams' and ask her what she thought??? She said that it was based on fact and not imagination...too vivid for that. And so now I know it was true....that is something.....
After a long time in counselling and with a few breakthroughs like I was dependent on my mum and she on me...a cycle that I broke (you guys all know how much I love my mum...but she enabled some very poor behaviours on my part though). That was hard as she and I get along very well but it was done so that I could be an adult and not the 'child' all the time. She relied on me telling her everything and at times I could not cope with stuff without having here around.
Anway, I did 2 courses that changed my life...a communication course and an inner child course. The communication course was done over 3 or 4 months and showed me what a low opinion I had of myself and that others viewed me much differently than I did myself. It was a major breakthorugh.
The other course I did was about my Inner Child...honouring what my child self wanted. This was so interesting because we had to visit ourselves through meditation and give our child self what they needed and were not getting. This is the course that really made me realise what being put on a diet meant to my child self. Throughout this cousre I had some weird reactions like rebelling against everyone. This was my teenager standing up for my 8 year old self. I realised that being put on a diet at 8 yrs old was like being told I wasn't good enough and I had to change. This is echoed throughout my teenage and 20 yrs when whenever I felt fat I would back out of an event feeling that people would just judge me on my looks and weight.
Think back to a young age such as 8 (I think about my 7 yr old constantly in this scenario). You think you are great and so what and then your mother tells you you need to go on a diet.....hey???? What is wrong with the way I am says your inner self??? So you are denied foods that your slender sister can have (by the way she rubs your nose in it whenever she can) and you are only allowed diet soft drink and lollies on lolly night (Sat)
We move to Sydney and the neighbours like my sister better than me, my grandma tells me the same thing....hmmmm perhaps I am getting a message....fat = not good enough. If you saw me as a child you would not think I was fat...puppy fat. By the way my mum is awesome and was only trying to save me from a childhood of teasing etc...because she suffered as an overweight teen....funny thing....look at her photos...NOT FAT EITHER!!!!
It was only about 10 years ago that I let myself buy chocolate bars and just eat them...I realised that I could!!!! No one was controlling me and I felt like the biggest rebel and loved it. My sister used to tease me when she had a treat and say stuff like "Nah nah na nah I have a chocolate and you don't!!!" She and my mother don't remember this but I DO. By being denied food it became such a forbidden thing for me.
My mum can still be controlling about food and wine...if I was in a binge mode and would ask for a second serve of something....she would give me the look....you know the one ...'do you really need that?' ...or once when I asked for a glass of wine it went like this:
Me: Can I have another glass of wine??
Mum: Why not have some soda??
Me: But I would like a wine
Mum: Have some soda (by soda I mean soda water...not soft drink)
Me: But I feel like another wine...
Mum: Have a soda...
Me: Mum....I haven't had a drink in months and I feel like another wine. Wayne can you get me a wine???
Mum: I'll get it.
Argghhhhh....all this because I had lost over 20kg and she thoguht I shouldn't have more wine.....do you get this??? I was about 35 yrs old. It just gets a little old doesn't it??? I mean even as an adult she still trys to let me know what is approved of and what isn't...and it used to really get me down.
So I was in all this therapy and one day I had the shits and just said to the therapist.....'what is wrong with me...it can't just be because I was put on a diet at 8? She replied: 'Why not???' and yes WHY NOT indeed. I lived my whole life comparing myself to others...not thin enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough ...blah blah blah. Nothing will change for us until we love ourselves....nothing. My mum didn't deliberately want to make me feel bad but she will admit it was the worst thing she ever did for me putting me on a diet so young....it just me up to think I was fat...even when I thought I wasn't. I will never put my daughter on a diet...we talk about healthy eating and exercise. I want to be a role model. I don't want her to have the self loathing that I had...still would have from being overweight. Some of my self talk was disgraceful...I would look at myself and tell myself I was disgusting, such a failure, a blob....I wouldn't want to socialise and wanted to stay at home and eat. Last year I wanted to commit suidide...I couldn't do it anymore. I was so sick of hating and loathing myself. I was in pain.
Having the band has helped me lose the weight but finding a new career has saved me and taught me that I am worthwhile and mean something to others. I have value. I am needed. I am talking about that love of yourself that comes from being driven at something. Sure I am a wife and mother...but surely I am more than that??? And yes I am now...a wife and mother, a vet nurse, a student, a friend, daughter, sister etc....I am finding value in me....so the years of therapy have made me realise why i hated my self and the band is the tool that means I never have to diet again.
I hope you got through that...there was a bit of rambling...sorry about that.
Today DH has left for over 2 weeks in Europe...I will miss him so much. He is so supportive of me and loves us all so much....
I am also in the 70's today!!! 79.8 kg (175.5 lbs). Total lost: 24.6 kg (54.12 lbs). I am so thrilled.
Hope you are all well...it is a miserable day here...rain rain and more rain.
Have a great weekend
